Bev's Stephen King Summaries

Bev Vincent occasionally posts amusing summaries of Stephen King books to the newsgroup. Here is a collection of them - many thanks, Bev.

Cujo

Old Joe Camber had a dog
C-U-J-eye-O
And this old dog he had rabies
C-U-J-eye-O
With a bite, bite here
and a rip, rip, there
Here a bite
There a rip
Everywhere dead bodies
Old Joe Camber had a dog
C-U-J-eye-O

Cujo in the Wind

(With apologies to Elton, Bernie and anyone else...)

Goodbye Vic Trenton
Though I never chewed you at all
I got a few bites off your wife
And I made the sheriff fall
She crawled out of the Pinto
As the disease ate into my brain
All she wanted was the phone
All I wanted was chow mein

And it seems to me I did all this
'cos I got rabies from a bat
Never knowing who to bite next
Hmm, I'll have some of that
And I would have liked to have chewed you
Oops, I guess I did
I didn't really mean it
All I wanted was the kid...

Rabies sure is tough
The toughest part was hearing Frank Dodd
It turned me into boogeyman
And pain was the price we paid
Even when I died
Oh the spooks still hounded you
Cos the Pinto was a tomb
And the Tadder was found semi-nude

Goodbye Bannerman
From the young dog who was called Cujo
Who sees you as something more then lunch
More than just someone to chow down on

Desperation

(With apologies to Henley, Frey et. al.)

Desperation, a little town in Nevada
A place you oughta steer clear of
If you value your life
Off Highway 50, it's just a little bit foggy
The thing that's hanging up doggies
Is after your wife.

Don't you know the soma dies my son
Only sarx remains
The China Pits go deeper than you guess
Now the can tah stones, those frightful things
Have been laid upon the table
Helping Steve get into Cindy's dress

Desperation, most folks ain't getting no older
The wolves are getting much bolder
There's snakes in your home
Oh, Entragian, no that's just Tak in his body
And wait until you meet Audrey
'Cos she seems to have grown

Don't you hate it when God won't answer you
You pray until your face is blue
It's hard to tell the good guys from the dopes
As you're about to lose your mortal soul
Ain't it funny to be rescued by...some soap

Desperation, there's people hung on the fences
It's taking over your senses
Tom Billingsly's drunk
In Desperation, well here's a pretty good moral
You'd better not carry somebody's
(Better not carry somebody's)
You'd better not carry somebody's
Dope in yourrrrrr....trunk

The Shining

Jack gets a new job at a hotel for the winter.
The hotel has a new job for Jack.
Son Danny talks to an imaginary friend.
Wife Wendy suspects Jack is going off the deep end.

Jack goes off the deep end.

Misery

Paul Sheldon writes romance novels featuring Misery Chastain.
Paul Sheldon gets in a wreck in remote Colorado.
He's rescued by his Number One Fan, Annie.
Annie doesn't like his latest manuscript.
Paul wants to write 'serious' novels.
Paul is a dirty bird.
Annie recommends some editorial changes.
Annie can be a very persuasive editor.
Paul learns the REAL meaning of "Misery".
Misery doesn't love company.
Paul says, "Take this typewriter and shove it".
Editor Annie bows to the writer's arguments...

The Mist

David owns a summer home near the lake.
The Arrowhead Evil Scientist Foundation owns a Creepy Lab by the lake.
A summer storm sends David to the grocery store for supplies.
Something unexpected has happened at Arrowhead.
Can you say Three Mile Island?
Some shoppers become lunch for Gargantuan Mutant Bugs from Hell.
Attention K-Mart Shoppers -- you are the blue light special...
A group of right wing fundamentalists spontaneously forms.
David gets laid
Crisis continues....

The Jaunt

It's some time in the future.
Getting from here to there is now as quick as a blink of the eye.
Only caveat -- you gotta go to sleep during the trip.
Nice family heads out on a vacation jaunt.
Boys will be boys.
Boy decides to skip the sleeping potion and remain awake during jaunt.
Boys will be very old men...

Insomnia

Ralph isn't sleeping so well these days since his wife's clock stopped ticking.
Ralph's lack of sleep is causing him to see things which aren't (??) there.
Ralph's friend Ed has a bee in his bonnet about abortionists.
Ralph's friend Lois has a thing about Ralph!
Forces of Evil and Good are using Ralph and Lois and Ed for their own purposes.
Ralph just wants to get some sleep.
Ralph fulfills the role cast for him by the forces of the Green Man and then goes to bed.
With Lois.

Ralph still doesn't get much sleep...

The Stand

Fran and Stu don't have the flu
But just about everyone else around them do
They're packing up their troubles and burying their dead
And heading for Nebraska to meet the woman in their head

Lloyd and Poke don't have the flu
But just about everyone else around them do
They're shooting up some trouble like old-time gangsters
Lloyds heading for Las Vegas if he can get out of the stir

Larry and Nadine don't have the flu
But just about everyone else around them do
Larry's a singer but now his records don't sell
Nadine wants a child with the demon spawn from hell

Randall Flagg doesn't have the flu
But just about everyone else around him do
He's a mean motherf**ker and a demon to boot
He's got mighty aspirations and he don't want loot.

Mother Abigail doesn't have the flu
And none of the people who visit her do
She's a little old lady, but she doesn't mess around
She sends the whole group off to Boulder town

Everyone left doesn't have the flu
But now they've got something important to do
Let's turn on the power, the lights and the water
Bury the dead and get ready for the slaughter

Meanwhile old Randy's gearing up for the Stand
Trashcan man is a'lendin'him a hand
Four against thousands, that hardly seems fair
But when you've got God on your side, who really cares?

Pet Sematary

"The Ludlow Hillbillies"

Come 'n listen to my story 'bout a man named Creed.
Poor ole doc couldn't keep his family dead.
When one day his cat became road kill,
He buried it up in that place beyond the hill.
Church, that is. Dead cat! Flattened!

Well, the first thing ya know, Jud Crandall appears
The neighbor said, "Don't let your cat lie there."
Said "Pet Sematary's the place it oughta be"
So they bagged up the cat and buried it did he
Louis that is! Burial grounds. Ancient myths.

Ol' Gage bought the farm, he got mowed down by a truck
Them poor Creeds, Lord, they didn't have much luck
Louis thought he'd give the Sematary one more chance
So he dug up his son and he did the same old dance
Wendigo, that is! Indian spirit. Scarey dude!

Well Gage came back and he wasn't very nice
Tried to put the rest of his family on ice
He killed his mom and then he tried for dad
All this because of that stupid dead old cat
Church that was. Dead as a doornail. Not for long.

Well now it's time to say goodbye to the entire Creed kin
An' they would like to thank you folks fer kindly droppin' in.
You're all invited back again to this locality,
T'have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality.
Zombie, that is! All quite dead. Take your head off!

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